An Overdue Update

Don't know if anyone will see this, but thought I'd post anyway.

After the last failure and discovery that husband had an issue, I didn't have the heart or energy to put into keeping up with the fertility stuff. I'm still hopeful, but I know having a baby will take more time than we thought...so we've got on with life!

My husband is scheduled for surgery this Friday for the varicocele he was diagnosed with. Hopefully the surgery will go well (TOUCH WOOD!), and in a few months we will know if his sperm is better. We have already discussed the option of using his brother's sperm down the road, if things go poorly. The good thing is, there are always more options that can lead to children someday.

I just peeked at a few blogs I was following way back when, and am so happy to see that the donor egg process is resulting in healthy baby bumps, and very soon, fat, healthy babies!!

XX,

-j'espere

The Big Fail

Hi to all who commented recently, and asked how everything went. Thanks for your support. There was no transfer at all. None of the embryos continued growing past day 4 or so, and none reached blast stage. All that work put in by my sister and I, for nothing.

The RE now thinks the issue might be my husband's sperm. He is going in for labs tomorrow, which I think should have been done after the first cycle was unsuccessful (thanks, Doc!). And then he's on to a specialist the following week.

I am hopeful that whatever the issue is can be fixed, as sperm issues are much easier to fix than egg issues. We are not giving up on this process, but just need a break to figure out what the problem is. I still can't believe this is happening--another period of WAITING. It feels like we are just being bombarded with bad news, upon bad news.

I'll keep updating with information on what's going on with the hubby, and as soon as he's fixed--or we have to use donor sperm, which we've both agreed upon--we will do another cycle, hopefully in the fall.

Fertilization Report

So we have seven eggs that fertilized! I hope they continue to thrive. The doctor said this time around that my husband's sperm was much worse quality than last time, and that he should see a urologist. GREAT.

We did ICSI though, so hopefully the sperm they used were good. Keep growing, little ones! I'm going to be a nervous wreck for the next two days until we hear about how many we have left. Le sigh.

Somewhere, Out There...

...In Westwood to be exact, our little eggs & sperm are fertilizing and becoming the embryos that will become our child(ren).

The egg retrieval went wonderfully this morning. A total of  16 eggs were retrieved, with 10 of them being mature at this point. The RE said that an additional 4 eggs may be on track to mature tomorrow. Husband gave his sample at the office, and headed off to work. (In most cases of IVF, the male's role is so simple, isn't it?!)

Tomorrow I will hear back from the office with the fertilization report. So much waiting! I think all IVFers, but especially those using donors should recieve a solid gold star for PATIENCE!

Retrieval is Tomorrow!

Well tomorrow's the big day! The day they take out the eggs that my sister has been growing, and fertilize them with my husband's sperm! Romantic, huh?!

I administered the trigger shot last night in my car. Interesting, to say the least! Just glad no one interrupted. I went today and bought my sister cupcakes to enjoy during her recovery. Glad that her part of the process will be over at this point, so she doesn't have to be tied down with the constant shots and appointments. I've said it before, but I'm just lucky to have such a generous, open-minded sister.

Follicle/Lining Update

Our appointment went well yesterday. Looks like we are on-track for a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval. My sister currently has 15 follies around 11-12mm. The RE says she will be ready to retrieve when they measure around 18mm, so two more days of stims to go before another check. Hopefully those two days will bring a few more eggies, too.

My lining is a bit over 7, with a triple stipe pattern. I still have two or three more Delestrogen injections prior to the transfer, so there's plenty of time to reach the optimal 10 (fingers crossed).

A little closer, every day!

There are Two Ways to See Things

Last night we had a hump-day BBQ for our friend JM, visiting from China. His wife is the pregnant woman I referred to a couple posts back for whom we are storing baby goods in our den. He came by to pick up all the wares, and upon opening the boxes, came up and offered me a baby play gym and a pregnancy pillow! Apparently Mrs. JM had bought duplicates of those items and he said he'd rather give it to us because, "That's the plan, right?". I said, "I hope so...".

My first response was to question if I did the right thing in accepting these gifts. I wondered if I was pushing my luck, and started thinking superstitiously about the whole deal. Then, I realized that possessing the items will not affect whether this cycle works or not. It will work or fail, all on it's own.

Our future child just received their first gift. I don't know if this cycle will be the one that will brings us this child, but he or she will come. Eventually...

Talking About IVF with Friends

Sunday afternoon, mon mari (my husband) and I went to a birthday party for a friend and his adorable 5 year old son. I got to chatting with another friend in attendance who had recently undergone a successful(!) IVF cycle.

She is currently 14 weeks pregnant, and it was such a joy to see her so wonderfully happy. Her infertility issues were male factor, as her husband underwent a vasectomy many years ago after having children from a previous marriage. After a failed IVF attempt late last year, she opted to do a natural cycle. My friend monitored her ovulation daily, and basically told the doctor when it was time to retrieve the egg. When the time came they performed the transfer. She said she could tell it was a take almost immediately. The best thing about the natural cycle (besides the much lower cost!) is that no hormones are required. I suppose these kind of cycles can be applied only in male factor infertility situations.

We are open with our close friends about using IVF, just not about the donor egg aspect of it. I shared my story of the first round of IVF, leaving out one very large detail! As I think I've written before, my husband, sister and I feel that outside of immediate family, no one needs to know the detail of using donor eggs except the resulting child his/herself. It will be their choice to share that information with others. I am also very vague with our IVF timeline among friends, (even though they ALWAYS ask!) as I'd like the keep any pregnancy under wraps until it's a sure thing.

My IVF friend was incredibly supportive, and sweet. The best thing about our discussion though, was the amazing glow and pleasure she had in being pregnant. I hope that will be me in a few short weeks!

Ready, Set, GO!

Whew. Needed to vent a little with that previous post.

DE IVF Round 2... Been giving my awesome sister Lupron shots for about a week since we've been back from France (which I hope to blog about later this week).

I got the go ahead to start delestrogen injections tonight, and all my bloodwork looks good. Sister J starts stims on Monday. Retrieval is likely in just under 2 weeks.

This cycle is going super fast, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

C'mon. Everybody's Doing It.

Having babies, that is. Or at least almost everyone I know.

Two women became pregnant (so painfully easily) around the time when I was just figuring out that... 'Houston, we have a problem!'

#1 made the announcement at an evening get together exactly two days after I found out my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure. I cried for a bit in her bathroom, feeling the unfairness of it all. #2 made her announcement later that week at a brunch. I had to force a smile and congratulations, holding back the tears for later. Both of these women are 10+ years older than me, to boot. And no medical procedures were used to conceive! (Lucky, huh?)

And now, it's almost nine months later. I attended the baby shower #1 this past Saturday. I got in a fight with my sweet husband before going, over how sad I was about the shower. He thought I should feel only happiness for her, and that her having a baby did not really effect me in any way. I told him the truth, that I really am very happy for her, but also feel so very sad for myself because in a perfect world it would have been me having my baby shower that day.

#2, the wife of a friend, lives out of the country and is having baby items shipped to our house to save costs. Rub it in, why don't ya, universe?! Thank goodness the items are all packed in generic amazon boxes. No visible sign of the no doubt, adorable baby-wares within.

I know I'm being ungrateful, and part of me feels like a bad person for feeling this way. I have a great life. A house, good work, nice friends, and a husband who loves me. But sometimes, I feel like when it comes to fertility, the universe is sending me a big F-U!!

Infertility in Other Cultures

The night before we left for France, I went to get a pedicure at a salon my sister often goes to. The woman who worked on my nails stroke up a conversation about her little dog, and we hit it off, as I have a little fur-angel, too.

She asked if I had any children, and I said no, that we were hoping to have some soon. I asked her the same, and she said no. She appeared to be in her late 30's to mid 40's, so beautiful her age didn't easily reveal itself. The woman then began speaking of her struggle with infertility. She and her husband had tried for 10 years, and no baby ever came. I asked if she had gone to a doctor, and told her there were specialists that could help her, but she simply said, "No."

She then told me that once when traveling back to her homeland of Vietnam, some friends told her the reason she had no children was because she loved her dog the same way she would love a child. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She warned me not to love my own dog too much, or risk having no children. I felt so bad for her, and told her I did not think that was the reason she didn't have a child. She warned me again. My heart wanted to tell her part of my story, and let her know there were options out there to bring her the child of her dreams. How could I explain to her how terribly wrong her superstitions were, while in the middle of a nail shop?

Almost Back on the Roller Coaster

Today I bought all the meds for donor egg IVF #2. This time around so far I feel less excitement build up around the whole process. Don't get me wrong, I am so hopeful and happy to have the opportunity...but this time I'm more aware of what can go wrong. Maybe I'll feel different when we start the injectables.

Husband and I leave on Tuesday for a two week trip to France––a much needed vacation before jumping back into the whirlwind of an IVF cycle. I have vin rouge and pain au chocolat to look forward to! My doctor told me to have a glass of red for her. I told her I'd have two!! We start our next cycle around May 25th.

Some Good News!

After a couple days of sadness grieving for dreams that could have been, I just got some good news. My sister J would like to cycle again very soon! I left it up to her to decide the 'when', as I am just so grateful to have her offer a second time. I am surprised, happy, and my heart feels a little fullness and lightness that has been been missing since Monday.

We are both traveling out of the country next month with separate but much needed vacations, so it might take a bit of clever coordination at the hand of my doctor, but it seems like we should start the stim part of the cycle in very early June.

My biggest feeling right now is hope.

Moving On

I feel like my heart is a little broken. After getting a BFP on a test, it's natural to build dreams, and begin to visualize what the future will hold. For us, I know in my heart the future still holds parenthood,but that it will come just a little later than expected.

My doctor told me that we should be fine to try another cycle as soon as AF arrives. J is on board to do another cycle. In fact, her response to the chemical pregnancy was, "Don't worry, we'll try again." *Tear*

The doctor said chemical pregnancies occur for the same reasons as other miscarriages--usually a chromosomal abnormality, and that it's just a matter of finding the right embryo. And I know it's easier on the heart to miscarry at this early stage, than to miscarry weeks later into pregnancy when so much hope and attachment has developed.

I hope that we can cycle again very soon. Even though it lasted just a few days, I was pregnant. I know that it can happen again. And I have to believe that next time we will be on the right side of the odds.

Sad news.

We have a chemical pregnancy. One day, on top of the world, the next...back where we started. The doctor is calling later today, and I'll find out what she thinks to be the best next move. I would like to do another cycle as soon as possible, because this has proven that I can get pregnant. We'll just have to see.

It's Official!

I braved a digital test this morning to get a concrete answer.
No faint lines again, just a YES or NO answer. And at 9dp5dt, it's official!

I cannot believe it's true. I know it's still early, and that many things can happen in 9 months, but I'm forcing myself to live in the moment. I'm pregnant, and donor egg ivf works. I could not have done this without my sister, who is so excited to be an auntie.

Today is also the 1st anniversary of marriage to my dear husband. I could not have asked for a more special gift.

A quiet, faint, slight BFP??

I'm gonna need some other eyes on these! 

So this morning as promised, I POAS! And the results:

Husband saw the line too, so I know it's not my eyes playing tricks on me. These are the same stick in high light and low. I think it's a BFP! I have butterflies. I know it's early, and the line is so slight so I'm hesitant to get too excited...but it's a good start!

7dp5dt!

So it's been seven days. Seven days of distracting myself by doing this and that. Seven days of worry in the back of my mind. Yesterday, I made a time-consuming lasagna for dinner. Delicious and distracting. This morning I made scones for breakfast. Trying new things seems to help. Along with television--lots of television.

I will most likely poas tomorrow morning. Here's hoping for my BFP!!

3dp5dt

So it's been three days since my transfer, and nothing major to report. Had a very lazy weekend, as one does when on bedrest. Started reading T.C. Boyle's latest book, and watched about 3 or 4 movies. Husband and I walked our dog yesterday afternoon; who thankfully, is under 10 pounds so I can still pick him up!

I find myself searching for symptoms. A twinge, mild cramp... anything that can reassure me that things are going well, even when I know that some women have no symptoms at all during the 2 week wait. I feel very positive about this though. My body is made to create a snuggly warm home for our embryos, and they are made to do their job and settle in. Off to busy myself around the house!

PUPO

This morning we had our transfer! We put back an expanded blast, and an early blast. Our Dr seemed to think it increases our odds, so we went for it! It sounds doubtful that we will have frosties, but I'm just focusing on the two little things that were put back in me, and making them feel welcome. Bedrest for 48 hours! I'm ok witht it :-)!! Hubby is making a stew tonight. The acupuncturist who treated me this morning said I should eat warming foods like that, and avoid cold/heavy foods like ice cream and sandwiches. Glad I don't eat those much, anyway.

I'm trying to stay super positive about this, and not let the dark in. Of course I am realistic, but Telling myself to believe, "where there's a will, there's a way. "

Thanks to those who have been reading, and I hope it gives an insight into the process. Good luck to all!

Whirlwind Weekend

Been a busy few days here! The retrieval went great! My sister is recovering very well, with only a few cramps to speak of. 14 eggs were retrieved, 10 of great quality. And my doctor just called reporting that all 10 fertilized! So as of now, hubby and I have 10 little ones in Westwood, CA. I wonder if my love for them can take the freeway to get there?

The trigger shot was pretty hilarious. Celebrating J's birthday at a restaurant Friday night, my phone alarm goes off saying it's time. We go to the bathroom to do the shot in a handicapped stall. I push the plunger to get rid of air in the syringe, and put the cap back on. Apparently when I did that I bent the needle slightly, because when I went to inject in her belly the needle would NOT GO IN! We both were like, "oh, @#$%!." I decided, "I'm going to make this thing work, no matter what," and with that as gently as I could pushed it into her thigh area...And it worked!!

I really can't believe we are finished with this chapter of our journey. It's amazing how perfect the timing was for my family. And midway into the cycle, J got the opportunity to travel to Puerto Rico and the Carribean for 10 days in May––a vacation so well deserved! I will be grateful to her forever.

Our 5 day transfer is scheduled for this Friday. They do not peek at the embryos until then, so as not to disturb. My heart will be with them. In other great news, my husband injected me last night! Good to know I won't have to shoot myself up every night.

Countdown

Appointment went well today. Phenomenal, even. The doctor's first words were, "Wow, there's lots of eggs in there!". WHEWWW! She said by the time of retrieval there will be 18 eggs–far more than we expected after the first ultrasound, months ago.

J is responding so well to the stims that the retrieval has been moved up from midweek next week, to this Sunday! As in four days from now! And my transfer will be five days after that! All I'm hoping for is a few good embabies. One to implant this cycle, and a couple more  ice-siblings for our little one, down the road.

Feeling much gratitude, right now...

A Birthday Trip

My sister J will be celebrating her birthday next Thursday, less than a week before the expected egg retrieval. Because we'll practically be attached at the hip (so I can give her medications), I promised to do something special for her on her birthday. We are taking the Amtrak down to San Diego for the day. That keeps me from driving more than I have to, and I'll get to give her stim shots on a train...goody! I'm actually looking forward to breathing the fresh ocean air and enjoying some sun, as Southern California has had torrential rain as of late. I think a day-cation will do us both some good prior to the egg retrieval!

Things are moving fast here, and I feel like the days just fly by! J starts stims tomorrow, and has her first ovary-check next Wednesday. I had some last minute nerves when attempting to give myself the first E2V shot––there were at least two pricks prior to actual success. One day I'll be able to say to my child, "Hey, I gave myself shots in the ass, and I did it for YOU!" (not really!)

All Systems Are A Go!!

Great news is that we both received good results on our tests today. J's hormone levels and ovaries look great. My levels were good, and lining is at 7. We are all set for J to start stims this Friday!

I will give myself the first e2v injection later this evening. I teased my loving husband, a needle phobe, that I wanted him to watch...To freak him out just a little.

On another note, I am loving the nurses and staff at our fertility clinic. Whenever J and I go in––which is often these days––the nurses always seem genuinely happy to see us, and greet us with a kind word or funny joke. Someone's getting a really large box of See's Candies when this journey is through!!

Most Boring Update Ever

Still giving Lupron shots. My sister, I'll refer to her as J. from now on, is taking lupron in stride! She has had a couple mild possible effects like light cramping, and feeling "loopy". She did mention while a work yesterday doing paperwork she got so frustrated she kicked at a trash can in her cubicle ... But she said it while laughing, and hasn't complained, so I guess she's okay with it.

As for me, I've been trying to keep calm about the process. Easier said than done.

Officially Started

Today I gave my sister her first Lupron shot. We iced the area, swabbed it with alcohol, and I darted the syringe in as fast as I could. When I was done, she still had her eyes closed, in anticipation of me giving the shot. The ice worked wonders, and she didn't feel a thing! Off to a good start, I'd say...

Sister, sister!

Since the process started, my sister and I have been spending more free time together than we have in the past 10 years. For my family, this situation has brought us closer. We needed assistance expanding the family, and my sister was willing to help. Any children resulting from this will be loved in a very special way, since it took so much love (and $$!) to bring them into this world.

When my parents heard that sister agreed to do it, my Dad–a generally unemotional guy–shed tears. A few weeks into the process my sister told me how excited she was to become a "special auntie", and spoil a little one rotten!

We have only informed immediate family about my sister donating to us. My husband and I told close friends that we are doing IVF, but are keeping the timing and details of it to ourselves. Friends kept asking, "So...when are you guys going to start a family?" It's funny how simple questions like that can be hurtful when there's an infertility problem...Even when those asking have the very best intentions.

If any kids come out of this, we will tell them how they came into this world, and that story will be theirs to tell if they choose to.

I'm a pharmacy.

Picked up our medication yesterday. My eyes were huge when the pharmacist brought them out in two plastic boxes. Prior to picking up, I called in and mentioned I'd be picking up for my donor as well, which I'm sure sounded odd to the pharmacy technician! I think they even checked with my doctor to confirm that this was okay. Meh.

The image on top is my stuff, and that on the bottom is my sister's. It's daunting because I'll be performing all the injections for the both of us, since my darling husband is a needle chicken!

Complaining aside, I feel lucky to live in a time when modern medicine can treat women like me, and lead them to motherhood. Just a few years ago, none of this would have been possible...

The Calendars Say It All

I received calendars for my sister and I. Something concrete, making it more real. We have a tentative retrieval date of April 5th, 6th, or 7th, and transfer dates from April 10th-12th!

Sister starts Lupron shots a week from today, and I start Estrogen shots a week after that. Because of my Premature Ovarian Failure, I am spared the usual weeks of Lupron to suppress my cycle...lucky me?

Just looking at the calendar, I feel like once the meds start it will move very fast!

Groceries and Supermodel Mommies

So I went grocery shopping the other day at the Whole Foods in Venice, CA. Each time I go to this store, I see increasingly beautiful people, shopping for the most organic thing they can find.

This specific time, a woman caught my eye. It would have been hard to ignore her if I tried. She was strikingly beautiful–no doubt a supermodel–pushing her equally beautiful baby girl in a shopping cart. Oh, and she was wearing sky-high red Louboutin boots with metal spikes. To buy groceries. Hey, if you've got them, wear them!

This beautiful young mother looked fresh as a flower. Her baby's nanny that was tagging along? Not so much... Girl looked TIRED!

 I'm not mentioning this to disrespect the nanny, but more to comment on different styles of motherhood. All of my friends with children–some with twins– have no help and are exhausted by noon of every day.

People with greater means, or those in different countries can afford to have help with their children on a daily basis. I even have a friend from Vietnam who has four siblings. Each sibling had their OWN NANNY, and since they were monitored 24/7 with one-on-one help, each child was potty trained by 1 year old!

All types of motherhood are special, but I already know that when our little family begins to grow I will be sitting in the group that is tired by noon. I look forward to it.

Here goes nothing...

I've started this blog in an attempt to maintain a modicum of sanity throughout this donor egg/ ivf process. Let's hope it works! Wheee!

Let's get the history out of the way:

I'm 29 years old and married the love of my life in April 2010. We wanted to start a family IMMEDIATELY, but discovered I had a fibroid that should be removed before embarking on the baby journey. After losing an ovary years ago due to an emergency surgery, I was disappointed to wait (to say the least.) Last June, days after our honeymoon, I had the successful myo to remove the fibroid. Then waited two months to recover.

And waited. And waited. After stopping birth control, NOTHING HAPPENED. Two months, and no AF. After insisting on getting tested to see what was going on, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. Crushed.

The doctor suggested donor eggs. Crushed again. Suggested I ask a sister, or cousin. My younger sister is afraid of needles and regularly poo-poo's motherhood and pregnancy, so that didn't seem an option. The thought of using an anonymous donor was very hard on me as I am from a mixed ethnic background, and no one, I repeat...NO ONE has the same features and ethnic make-up as my family. But I'd do an anon donor egg in a heartbeat if it would bring me a healthy child.

 This brings me to the conversation. The one where I tell my sister that the doctor said I have no eggs, and need to use an egg donor. The words "EGG DONOR" were barely out of my mouth when my sister interrupted with, "You can have my eggs! I'm not using them!" And then I think she followed with something like, "Anonymous donor, WHO?"

Funny I thought she would never consider it. People show you their true hearts when you are in real need. I also have an older half-sister. She is 45, and after I told her our younger sister would do it, she said she had previously wondered if she was still young enough to donate to me if needed. Wow...

Fast-forward to today. Pre-testing done, legal done, and everything lined up. My RE should be doing the calendars tomorrow, and she gave a ballpark retrieval date for 5 weeks from now. Seems like this might really happen, and boy am I ready!