Having babies, that is. Or at least almost everyone I know.
Two women became pregnant (so painfully easily) around the time when I was just figuring out that... 'Houston, we have a problem!'
#1 made the announcement at an evening get together exactly two days after I found out my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure. I cried for a bit in her bathroom, feeling the unfairness of it all. #2 made her announcement later that week at a brunch. I had to force a smile and congratulations, holding back the tears for later. Both of these women are 10+ years older than me, to boot. And no medical procedures were used to conceive! (Lucky, huh?)
And now, it's almost nine months later. I attended the baby shower #1 this past Saturday. I got in a fight with my sweet husband before going, over how sad I was about the shower. He thought I should feel only happiness for her, and that her having a baby did not really effect me in any way. I told him the truth, that I really am very happy for her, but also feel so very sad for myself because in a perfect world it would have been me having my baby shower that day.
#2, the wife of a friend, lives out of the country and is having baby items shipped to our house to save costs. Rub it in, why don't ya, universe?! Thank goodness the items are all packed in generic amazon boxes. No visible sign of the no doubt, adorable baby-wares within.
I know I'm being ungrateful, and part of me feels like a bad person for feeling this way. I have a great life. A house, good work, nice friends, and a husband who loves me. But sometimes, I feel like when it comes to fertility, the universe is sending me a big F-U!!
Here from cyclesista.
ReplyDeleteMan, can I relate to the last sentence of your post! Not only do I have the many-pregnant-friends-and-acquaintances problem, I also seem to encounter pregnant women everywhere I go. Sometimes I think the Universe and I have just had a miscommunication: when I sent out the intention that I wanted pregnancy, I meant my own! ;-)
It's so hard being happy for others who are having babies so easily!
ReplyDeleteI make an effort to do this as I think it makes me feel better to feel happy for someone else. But sometimes I can't manage it and it will be through gritted teeth - especially if it's someone who doesn't seem to realise how lucky they are.
I don't think you are being ungrateful - you can't help the way you feel. If you stifle it it may only make you feel worse.