A Happy Update!

If anyone happens to stumble upon this blog, or still follows it, I think it's time to add a happy story.

I don't even remember where I left this. After doing ANOTHER failed cycle early October 2012, using half my husband and half a sperm donor, I had a frozen embryo transfer with our LAST EMBRYO on December 17th 2012. It worked!

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant with a single little baby, and I still can't believe it's true. I just started feeling movements here and there, and can't wait to feel more. A part of me did not want to post anything here until I knew it was the real deal, which is why I waited so long. And another part of me is still afraid (let's face it, every day) that something will go wrong. But all signs point to a healthy pregnancy. 

The only difference this cycle, and I believe what made the ultimate difference, is that my doctor put me on Lovenox. It's so sad that we had to go through three failed cycles just to come to the conclusion to try the Lovenox. I would recommend ladies to ask their docs to put them on Lovenox regardless of immune testing since there is little risk to mother and baby, and in my case it seems to have made all the difference.

At the 18 week check-up, my OB said that she thinks the baby is a little girl, but it was hard to tell because its feet were in the way! We won't know for sure until next week at my 20 week scan. 

I will tell anyone still in the trenches of seeking parenthood: Stick with it. Don't give up. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. And for those of you whose blogs I've followed and you've already reached parenthood: Thank you for sharing. Your stories of success have helped me see the light at the end of the journey.

An Overdue Update

Don't know if anyone will see this, but thought I'd post anyway.

After the last failure and discovery that husband had an issue, I didn't have the heart or energy to put into keeping up with the fertility stuff. I'm still hopeful, but I know having a baby will take more time than we thought...so we've got on with life!

My husband is scheduled for surgery this Friday for the varicocele he was diagnosed with. Hopefully the surgery will go well (TOUCH WOOD!), and in a few months we will know if his sperm is better. We have already discussed the option of using his brother's sperm down the road, if things go poorly. The good thing is, there are always more options that can lead to children someday.

I just peeked at a few blogs I was following way back when, and am so happy to see that the donor egg process is resulting in healthy baby bumps, and very soon, fat, healthy babies!!

XX,

-j'espere

The Big Fail

Hi to all who commented recently, and asked how everything went. Thanks for your support. There was no transfer at all. None of the embryos continued growing past day 4 or so, and none reached blast stage. All that work put in by my sister and I, for nothing.

The RE now thinks the issue might be my husband's sperm. He is going in for labs tomorrow, which I think should have been done after the first cycle was unsuccessful (thanks, Doc!). And then he's on to a specialist the following week.

I am hopeful that whatever the issue is can be fixed, as sperm issues are much easier to fix than egg issues. We are not giving up on this process, but just need a break to figure out what the problem is. I still can't believe this is happening--another period of WAITING. It feels like we are just being bombarded with bad news, upon bad news.

I'll keep updating with information on what's going on with the hubby, and as soon as he's fixed--or we have to use donor sperm, which we've both agreed upon--we will do another cycle, hopefully in the fall.

Fertilization Report

So we have seven eggs that fertilized! I hope they continue to thrive. The doctor said this time around that my husband's sperm was much worse quality than last time, and that he should see a urologist. GREAT.

We did ICSI though, so hopefully the sperm they used were good. Keep growing, little ones! I'm going to be a nervous wreck for the next two days until we hear about how many we have left. Le sigh.

Somewhere, Out There...

...In Westwood to be exact, our little eggs & sperm are fertilizing and becoming the embryos that will become our child(ren).

The egg retrieval went wonderfully this morning. A total of  16 eggs were retrieved, with 10 of them being mature at this point. The RE said that an additional 4 eggs may be on track to mature tomorrow. Husband gave his sample at the office, and headed off to work. (In most cases of IVF, the male's role is so simple, isn't it?!)

Tomorrow I will hear back from the office with the fertilization report. So much waiting! I think all IVFers, but especially those using donors should recieve a solid gold star for PATIENCE!

Retrieval is Tomorrow!

Well tomorrow's the big day! The day they take out the eggs that my sister has been growing, and fertilize them with my husband's sperm! Romantic, huh?!

I administered the trigger shot last night in my car. Interesting, to say the least! Just glad no one interrupted. I went today and bought my sister cupcakes to enjoy during her recovery. Glad that her part of the process will be over at this point, so she doesn't have to be tied down with the constant shots and appointments. I've said it before, but I'm just lucky to have such a generous, open-minded sister.

Follicle/Lining Update

Our appointment went well yesterday. Looks like we are on-track for a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval. My sister currently has 15 follies around 11-12mm. The RE says she will be ready to retrieve when they measure around 18mm, so two more days of stims to go before another check. Hopefully those two days will bring a few more eggies, too.

My lining is a bit over 7, with a triple stipe pattern. I still have two or three more Delestrogen injections prior to the transfer, so there's plenty of time to reach the optimal 10 (fingers crossed).

A little closer, every day!

There are Two Ways to See Things

Last night we had a hump-day BBQ for our friend JM, visiting from China. His wife is the pregnant woman I referred to a couple posts back for whom we are storing baby goods in our den. He came by to pick up all the wares, and upon opening the boxes, came up and offered me a baby play gym and a pregnancy pillow! Apparently Mrs. JM had bought duplicates of those items and he said he'd rather give it to us because, "That's the plan, right?". I said, "I hope so...".

My first response was to question if I did the right thing in accepting these gifts. I wondered if I was pushing my luck, and started thinking superstitiously about the whole deal. Then, I realized that possessing the items will not affect whether this cycle works or not. It will work or fail, all on it's own.

Our future child just received their first gift. I don't know if this cycle will be the one that will brings us this child, but he or she will come. Eventually...

Talking About IVF with Friends

Sunday afternoon, mon mari (my husband) and I went to a birthday party for a friend and his adorable 5 year old son. I got to chatting with another friend in attendance who had recently undergone a successful(!) IVF cycle.

She is currently 14 weeks pregnant, and it was such a joy to see her so wonderfully happy. Her infertility issues were male factor, as her husband underwent a vasectomy many years ago after having children from a previous marriage. After a failed IVF attempt late last year, she opted to do a natural cycle. My friend monitored her ovulation daily, and basically told the doctor when it was time to retrieve the egg. When the time came they performed the transfer. She said she could tell it was a take almost immediately. The best thing about the natural cycle (besides the much lower cost!) is that no hormones are required. I suppose these kind of cycles can be applied only in male factor infertility situations.

We are open with our close friends about using IVF, just not about the donor egg aspect of it. I shared my story of the first round of IVF, leaving out one very large detail! As I think I've written before, my husband, sister and I feel that outside of immediate family, no one needs to know the detail of using donor eggs except the resulting child his/herself. It will be their choice to share that information with others. I am also very vague with our IVF timeline among friends, (even though they ALWAYS ask!) as I'd like the keep any pregnancy under wraps until it's a sure thing.

My IVF friend was incredibly supportive, and sweet. The best thing about our discussion though, was the amazing glow and pleasure she had in being pregnant. I hope that will be me in a few short weeks!

Ready, Set, GO!

Whew. Needed to vent a little with that previous post.

DE IVF Round 2... Been giving my awesome sister Lupron shots for about a week since we've been back from France (which I hope to blog about later this week).

I got the go ahead to start delestrogen injections tonight, and all my bloodwork looks good. Sister J starts stims on Monday. Retrieval is likely in just under 2 weeks.

This cycle is going super fast, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

C'mon. Everybody's Doing It.

Having babies, that is. Or at least almost everyone I know.

Two women became pregnant (so painfully easily) around the time when I was just figuring out that... 'Houston, we have a problem!'

#1 made the announcement at an evening get together exactly two days after I found out my diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure. I cried for a bit in her bathroom, feeling the unfairness of it all. #2 made her announcement later that week at a brunch. I had to force a smile and congratulations, holding back the tears for later. Both of these women are 10+ years older than me, to boot. And no medical procedures were used to conceive! (Lucky, huh?)

And now, it's almost nine months later. I attended the baby shower #1 this past Saturday. I got in a fight with my sweet husband before going, over how sad I was about the shower. He thought I should feel only happiness for her, and that her having a baby did not really effect me in any way. I told him the truth, that I really am very happy for her, but also feel so very sad for myself because in a perfect world it would have been me having my baby shower that day.

#2, the wife of a friend, lives out of the country and is having baby items shipped to our house to save costs. Rub it in, why don't ya, universe?! Thank goodness the items are all packed in generic amazon boxes. No visible sign of the no doubt, adorable baby-wares within.

I know I'm being ungrateful, and part of me feels like a bad person for feeling this way. I have a great life. A house, good work, nice friends, and a husband who loves me. But sometimes, I feel like when it comes to fertility, the universe is sending me a big F-U!!

Infertility in Other Cultures

The night before we left for France, I went to get a pedicure at a salon my sister often goes to. The woman who worked on my nails stroke up a conversation about her little dog, and we hit it off, as I have a little fur-angel, too.

She asked if I had any children, and I said no, that we were hoping to have some soon. I asked her the same, and she said no. She appeared to be in her late 30's to mid 40's, so beautiful her age didn't easily reveal itself. The woman then began speaking of her struggle with infertility. She and her husband had tried for 10 years, and no baby ever came. I asked if she had gone to a doctor, and told her there were specialists that could help her, but she simply said, "No."

She then told me that once when traveling back to her homeland of Vietnam, some friends told her the reason she had no children was because she loved her dog the same way she would love a child. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She warned me not to love my own dog too much, or risk having no children. I felt so bad for her, and told her I did not think that was the reason she didn't have a child. She warned me again. My heart wanted to tell her part of my story, and let her know there were options out there to bring her the child of her dreams. How could I explain to her how terribly wrong her superstitions were, while in the middle of a nail shop?

Almost Back on the Roller Coaster

Today I bought all the meds for donor egg IVF #2. This time around so far I feel less excitement build up around the whole process. Don't get me wrong, I am so hopeful and happy to have the opportunity...but this time I'm more aware of what can go wrong. Maybe I'll feel different when we start the injectables.

Husband and I leave on Tuesday for a two week trip to France––a much needed vacation before jumping back into the whirlwind of an IVF cycle. I have vin rouge and pain au chocolat to look forward to! My doctor told me to have a glass of red for her. I told her I'd have two!! We start our next cycle around May 25th.

Some Good News!

After a couple days of sadness grieving for dreams that could have been, I just got some good news. My sister J would like to cycle again very soon! I left it up to her to decide the 'when', as I am just so grateful to have her offer a second time. I am surprised, happy, and my heart feels a little fullness and lightness that has been been missing since Monday.

We are both traveling out of the country next month with separate but much needed vacations, so it might take a bit of clever coordination at the hand of my doctor, but it seems like we should start the stim part of the cycle in very early June.

My biggest feeling right now is hope.

Moving On

I feel like my heart is a little broken. After getting a BFP on a test, it's natural to build dreams, and begin to visualize what the future will hold. For us, I know in my heart the future still holds parenthood,but that it will come just a little later than expected.

My doctor told me that we should be fine to try another cycle as soon as AF arrives. J is on board to do another cycle. In fact, her response to the chemical pregnancy was, "Don't worry, we'll try again." *Tear*

The doctor said chemical pregnancies occur for the same reasons as other miscarriages--usually a chromosomal abnormality, and that it's just a matter of finding the right embryo. And I know it's easier on the heart to miscarry at this early stage, than to miscarry weeks later into pregnancy when so much hope and attachment has developed.

I hope that we can cycle again very soon. Even though it lasted just a few days, I was pregnant. I know that it can happen again. And I have to believe that next time we will be on the right side of the odds.

Sad news.

We have a chemical pregnancy. One day, on top of the world, the next...back where we started. The doctor is calling later today, and I'll find out what she thinks to be the best next move. I would like to do another cycle as soon as possible, because this has proven that I can get pregnant. We'll just have to see.

It's Official!

I braved a digital test this morning to get a concrete answer.
No faint lines again, just a YES or NO answer. And at 9dp5dt, it's official!

I cannot believe it's true. I know it's still early, and that many things can happen in 9 months, but I'm forcing myself to live in the moment. I'm pregnant, and donor egg ivf works. I could not have done this without my sister, who is so excited to be an auntie.

Today is also the 1st anniversary of marriage to my dear husband. I could not have asked for a more special gift.

A quiet, faint, slight BFP??

I'm gonna need some other eyes on these! 

So this morning as promised, I POAS! And the results:

Husband saw the line too, so I know it's not my eyes playing tricks on me. These are the same stick in high light and low. I think it's a BFP! I have butterflies. I know it's early, and the line is so slight so I'm hesitant to get too excited...but it's a good start!

7dp5dt!

So it's been seven days. Seven days of distracting myself by doing this and that. Seven days of worry in the back of my mind. Yesterday, I made a time-consuming lasagna for dinner. Delicious and distracting. This morning I made scones for breakfast. Trying new things seems to help. Along with television--lots of television.

I will most likely poas tomorrow morning. Here's hoping for my BFP!!

3dp5dt

So it's been three days since my transfer, and nothing major to report. Had a very lazy weekend, as one does when on bedrest. Started reading T.C. Boyle's latest book, and watched about 3 or 4 movies. Husband and I walked our dog yesterday afternoon; who thankfully, is under 10 pounds so I can still pick him up!

I find myself searching for symptoms. A twinge, mild cramp... anything that can reassure me that things are going well, even when I know that some women have no symptoms at all during the 2 week wait. I feel very positive about this though. My body is made to create a snuggly warm home for our embryos, and they are made to do their job and settle in. Off to busy myself around the house!